Freedom From Self

Today (July 12th) is my wife’s birthday. Happy birthday, Nichole! But I have a confession to make on this wonderful day: I did not get my wife a birthday card or gift. Oh, I had thought about getting this done all week. I had listed in my mind all the opportunities I would have to stop by the store and find her just the right card with the sentiment that would make her feel special and acknowledged. But that never happened, or to be more honest, I wasn’t intentional enough to get it done.

Now, if I could ask the husbands among us to be honest: how many of you out there have put off getting something special for that special someone and found yourself the morning of one of the most important birthdays in your life, struggling to come up with a gift that wouldn’t look like a last minute attempt at assuaging a guilty conscience? Maybe you've felt as I did:

• The regret, “I should have just stopped when I was getting gas!” 

• The hit to your self-esteem, “What kind of husband doesn’t get his wife a birthday card!”

• The intense fear, “What will be her reaction to my lack of consideration and effort?”

"I", "I", "I". You’d almost think this special day was about me! But it’s not, it’s about her - her feeling special, her being celebrated, her knowing she’s appreciated. Why are we at times so focused on how things affect us that we're not affected by how things affect others? Why do we tend toward self-awareness instead of self-forgetfulness? Why are we, why am I, so self-involved?

Can I propose that it is in our nature? It is in us to be concerned with that which concerns us more fully than that which concerns others, and the only answer to this quandary (whether you’re a man or a woman) is the Gospel, for the Gospel lifts our eyes off of ourselves to the greatest news man has ever heard. The Gospel changes the perspective of our hearts.

There are three things that are essential to being a whole person, three things that every God-created human deeply desires: intimacy, affirmation, and acceptance. We all have an innate desire to be vindicated, to feel like we're good. All of us want to be "Ok".

And so, we measure ourselves, and perform, and look to others to be told, “Good job!”, looking to find in our doing, a sense of importance and worth. Self-esteem sells because we all want to feel good about ourselves. But the search for self-esteem, the climb up to that ever-rising podium of acceptance and affirmation, leads down the insidious path of, “Do better or go home.” It's an impossible an attainment and some of us have just given up and gone home. 

But there is hope for the broken; there a light at the end of the tunnel for those who feel their lives are slowly flickering out. And that hope comes from the One who said, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. I will not cast you out - in no way. The broken I fix and the dying I revitalize.” Jesus takes the quest for “enough” off of our shoulders and carries it to perfect completion himself! In him, you can be made whole and complete. 

And here comes the shift. As the Gospel takes root in your life, as you begin to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus, it becomes less about you and more about others. The Gospel brings the vindication we all long for - the affirmation, the acceptance, the intimacy we all desire with our heavenly Father, and puts an end to our searching for fulfuillment through the approval of man and self-set standards.

As I lay in bed this morning of my wife’s birthday pondering my lack of card and gift for her (yup, that’s what I was thinking about at 2:30 AM!) something struck me. A somewhat foreign question floated into my thoughts, and it wasn't about me. "Is my wife going to feel unappreciated or unimportant by my lack of card and gift?" (Not that she demanded that, but what wife doesn’t rightly want to feel special in the eyes of her husband?) How would she feel? It’s her birthday, her special day. It’s about her and her joy, not about me and my recognition of failure (or success); it's not about trying to relieve myself of my feelings of guilt.

And here is a warning of sorts: the Gospel has the potential to open our hearts to pain, because the Gospel brings us to a place of caring more about others and less about ourselves. And since humans were created to live and care for one another, when that doesn’t happen, it hurts more deeply, because we now share the heart of God for others. Thinking about the hurt someone else may experience because of our action or inaction cuts to the core for a Gospel-affected, Gospel-growing person. The Gospel shifts our focus from self to others because the Gospel is what Jesus carried to us, the same Jesus who put his desires aside, emptying himself, so we could be made whole - whole by a restored relationship with the Father.

So what does all of this mean? Let me say this: this is not a call to do better at taking your eyes off of you and trying to think more of others! That just leads to more self-focus (“How did I do today? Did I measure up? Did I perform well enough?”) No, this is about lifting your eyes to Jesus and his perfect, all sufficient faithfulness demonstrated in loving us to the very end. This is about coming to him and believing that he is your vindicator. This is about trusting the One who is the lifter of your head.

Look up saint and receive his love for you.